I must have loved You
by Regaime Seishi
Summary: songfic w Sting's 'Ghost Story' how much does Inuyasha love Kagome? enough to wait forever? enough to give up everything? and what will she say when he arrives at her door, the space of time between them immensely different? beware of fluff!


'_I Must Have Loved You'_

_Written with the song by Sting_

'Kagome,' my mind whispered as a tear rolled lazily down my cheek. I knew I shouldn't cry; that it wasn't manly, or demonic for that matter. 'Demons don't cry,' my brother said once when I was small, 'even lowly half-breeds'. But it's not as if I can help it. I've been trying to forget ever _meeting _her for all the hurt it brings me. You know, the scenes that flash through my mind of all the times I screwed up. I begin to _obsess_ over what I _should have_ done in that particular moment, or what I _could have_ said differently. The memory is still all too fresh in my mind, yet it happened a month ago. For the second time, no less! Except this time we didn't have a happy reunion…

'_I watch the western sky, the sun a'sinking._

_The geese are flying south, it sets me thinking.'_

Already I can see the thin shadow of the black moon rising, and I know it is foolish to tarry outside like this, out in the open with my human form nearly upon me. But it doesn't matter now, I have no will to live. Perhaps it is the sun's rays that mix with the twilight that recall my senses to my head. I can't reach you, but I am ready to wait, as long as it takes, I'll wait forever.

'_I did not miss you much, I did not suffer._

_What did not kill me, just made me tougher.'_

This new will to live keeps me alive; it is the only thing I yearn for, just to see you again. My patience wears thin, yet I can wait for you. I'm still connected to you, and this helps to sooth my turmoil. The beads around my neck lay dormant now, long forgotten. I still have the locket you gave me, and I've never taken it off, unless to stare at your face. Even though I said I didn't want it, I kept it, because I had lied.

'_I feel the winter come, these icy silluse.'_

Now I walk alone, barefoot through the snow, all because I hadn't swallowed my fears. I still regret it, and if given the chance, I won't make the mistake again. I swear it on my life, which is eternally bound to you. If that is what it takes for you to forgive me, I will die for you.

'_Now in the firelight, the case continues._

_Another night in court, the same old trial_

_The same old questions asked, the same denial.'_

The blanket of snow hides the moon tonight. Only on these nights do these painful memories get to me, swarming inside my head, threatening to consume me. So many times have I relived that night, and there are so many ways I could have changed it. If only I had told you…

"Inuyasha?"

"Yes Kagome?" I looked over to your fair face, remembering the sadness in your eyes.

"I must know something," you said, your eyes brimming with tears. I gulped inwardly; already this conversation was turning for the worst.

"What is it?" I asked, keeping kindness in my voice, just enough to not seem _too_ rude; I hated to see you cry, it angered me. I wasn't mad at you, but myself for hurting you again. Yet I needed to protect you.

"Are you truly planning to become all demon?" you asked.

"Feh," I replied, regretting my words, "I told you before, I'm gonna do it and ain't nobody's gonna stop me!" My stomach churned within me when the hurt look on your face deepened and I panicked. My resolve was breaking fast; I needed to end this conversation before it was too late!

"What about me?" you cried, "Don't you even care how I feel?"

"It doesn't matter," I replied, "You can't change my mind!" I knew what was coming next, I just wasn't ready to face it.

"Don't you love me!" you sobbed, "or is it just because I look like your dead girlfriend!" I kept my resolve for now, and lowered my eyes, dreading what I had to say. But it was for your own good; it didn't matter if it wounded me.

"I don't." I replied firmly, "It was all a lie."

"_I hate you._" A soft whisper said. I winced; this couldn't be Kagome, my Kagome! Not her, not this! I wished you'd just start yelling again; at least it would end this deadly silence. "Here!" you shouted, getting up suddenly and reaching into your shirt, "You can have this stupid _thing_, I'm going home and I'm not coming back!" You threw the now complete Shikon No Tama at me. It hit me on the nose, and though it didn't hurt in flesh and blood, it made my heart ache.

"I hope you go to HELL!" you shrieked, fleeing from the sight of me, with my cold-hearted face. I didn't want it to be like this; my ears drooped.

'_The shadows close me 'round, like jewel remembers.'_

Less than a minute had passed by 'til my will finally weakened. The sun was setting, and no moon would rise tonight.

"Kagome wait!" I yelled, the soft heartbeat signifying the loss of my demonic powers. I couldn't run as well now, but I'd still chase you. My legs quickly tired from exertion, but I wouldn't stop, not until I found you. I couldn't let you leave!

'_I look for answers in, the fire's embers.'_

I reached the well, gasping, only to find the clearing empty. Gritting my teeth, I jumped in, determined to set things right. I hit the bottom with a thud, and glanced above me, only to see open sky. It didn't work! I tried again, over and over until my legs hurt from the repeated impact. Yet I did it anyway, knowing this was my last attempt and wishing, no, willing it to let me by. Again, the passage of time blocked my fall, and I collapsed exhausted on my back with the stars above me. I couldn't reach you. 'Maybe it's because I'm human tonight!' I thought, hoping to be correct. With my last ounce of strength, I climbed out of the well once more, and sleep fitfully until morning.

A soft pulse awakened me, and I snapped my eyes open at your scent, but you were nowhere to be seen. Set back at the moment, I closed my eyes to regain control of myself; I couldn't give up yet!

'I will find her.' I promised, leaping into the well with ease, only to land heavily at the bottom.

"DAMNIT!" I cursed, striking the ground with my fist. Anger rose inside me at this stupid well and I punched the dirt again, only this time harder than before. Something dug into my hand so I opened it slowly, my eyes meeting with the familiar sight of the Shikon Jewel. It was mine now, yet it didn't matter.

"Kagome," I whisper into the firelight that evening, "Why can't I reach you?"

I was so confused. Why wouldn't the well let me pass? Did it think its job done? Was it because I held the whole Shikon Jewel?

'_Why was I missing you, that whole December?_

_I gave my usual lie, I don't remember.'_

It was then I made my vow to wait for you; one month later at the full moon. And when that day came when I'd finally get to see you again, I'd prove once and for all that I needed you.

The years flew by, and I was able to contain my misery, though it was difficult. Sometimes I felt like I was going to break, so much I began searching for ways to keep myself busy. I created a mission for myself, to rid this world of demons, so that when your time came, we wouldn't be set back anymore. Maybe this was just an excuse to get myself killed, but I survived through the long and lonely days.

December was the worst, when the snow covered the land. It was the time you had left, when I blew it for good. The endless white reminded me of your purity, of how your spirit could cleanse anything. To myself, though no one would ever agree, you were a better Priestess than Kikyo. I asked myself time and time again why I had rejected you, yet I could think of no better answer, other than the one I kept hidden. It was all for your safety in the end, I told myself. If demons knew I loved you, they would harm you to get to me and I couldn't stand to put you in that danger. Now though, I realize it's worth it. Besides, I'd protect you forever so it wouldn't matter. So how come I couldn't figure this out back then? And now my punishment remains: I still can't reach you…

'Another winter comes, these icy fingers creep 

_Into these bowels of mine, these memories never sleep.'_

Again my tormented mind drags me into another one of my pasts; the picture of you, crying for me through the affections of time when the snow fell nonstop. I wasn't as wounded as you thought, yet your absence lengthened my weakness. But when you spoke to me through that Grand Tree's memories, my heart beat strong again, and my will to live returned. Only then did I believe I could alter what I had started, and return the worlds of time as they were before. I needed your reassurance to triumph, just as I do now…

'_And all these differences, made my heart hollow._

_We kept our distances, why should we follow?'_

I don't care anymore, that I'm half demon and you're a human, a Priestess at that. It couldn't matter in the least, and why should it? I know Kikyo cared, but somehow I know you won't. It's because you aren't Kikyo, not in the least. Besides, why should we suffer to follow the rules of expectance the world demands? This so small an obstruction kept us apart, and our hearts were troubled in the doubts of value. Yet what is the difference, as long as we're happy?

'I must have loved you…' 

You saved me from myself. I was to become a beast, yet you held on to me and comforted me. You hurt for me, just as I have hurt for you. You could have died in your stubbornness to not let go. It was the touch of your lips on mine, and your sweet scent of flower petals that pulled me back. And to think I could have killed you…

'What is the force that binds the stars? 

_I wore this mask to hide my scars._

_What is the power that pulls the tide?_

_Never could find a place to hide.'_

The time is nearly here. All my efforts have rewarded me to this day, nearly two since you last saw me. Yet I've waited 500 years for this moment, and I must not ruin it.

I walk up to your door and hesitate; what if my efforts were in vain? What if you reject me? 'No,' I think, gathering my courage, 'I'll be able to prove myself this time.' With that, I knock on the door.

You open it, and your scent and beauty wash over me, reviving a long-forgotten part of my soul. I stare at your angry and surprised face at a loss for words. All those nights of rehearsing what I was going to say flies out the window as you fill this void beneath my skin. I'm here now; I'll get what I deserve for my deceit.

"SIT!"

I'd expected this; it was inevitable, I had thought. It was often a way to pass the days away, guessing how many times you'd say it. I even found myself wishing to feel the pain again.

"SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT!" you yell, infuriated. My face meets the ground and the pain comes back, more so since I'd forgotten it for so long. When finally you pause for a breath, my reflexes kicked in, and I reach for you. And this time when I reach for you, I am able to contact you. I comprise you in a hug, burying my face into your shoulder to hide my tears because once again, I am ashamed of my human emotions.

"Inuyasha?" you ask pulling away, but I can't make the tears disappear, "Why are you crying? Why did you come back? Why aren't you a full demon yet?" These strings of questions bore into me, wounding my newly found heart, and I drew you close to me once more.

"It doesn't matter now," I reply into your hair, taking in the scent, "Not anymore."

"What doesn't matter? Tell me the truth!" you demand, pushing me away; God how I admire your strong spirit. "You said you didn't love me, and now this?"

"It was all a lie." I answer.

"What was a lie!" you exclaim, "You said that before!"

"This time I mean it," I say, taking your hand into mine, "And I didn't come through the well," I add, smiling at your confused face.

"But how else—?" Gently, I close a small trinket in your hand, which sidetracks you from finishing your sentence.

"I've been waiting for you for over 500 years," I tell you.

'What moves the Earth around the sun? 

_What could I do but run, 'n run, 'n run?'_

You open your hand slowly, feeling the object, seeing it, and still not believing it was really there. Yet even with its radiance, the jewel's beauty can never match yours.

'_Afraid to love, afraid to fail._

_The last word I will say…'_

"I'm sorry," I say, bowing my head, "I never meant to hurt you like that. I was just—worried of your protection is all. If you were to die because of me…"

"Inuyasha, you forgot one thing," you say softly, "I'm hurt."

"What?" It was my turn to be confused, "How, where!" I check you for any wounds, but there are none.

"You injured me when you pushed me away." You look up into my eyes, yours brimming with tears at the sight of mine.

"Don't cry," I plead, " I won't be able to handle it." I cup your chin in my hand, careful not to scratch you with my claws. "Please," I add, before bringing my lips down to meet yours in a passionate kiss. And time froze as the minutes ticked by us…

'_The moon's a fingernail, I'm slowing sinking._

_Another day begins, and now I'm thinking.'_

I'm falling into your eyes, into your soul. My heart is collapsing into you, threatening to explode from my chest. My senses are numb with anxiety and excitement. I've waited so long for this, why should I tarry longer?

'_That this indifference, was my invention._

_When everythin' I did, sought your attention.'_

Even though I acted like I didn't care, in reality I was watching your every move. And with each step I felt this knot in my chest loosen. For a time I was afraid of my feelings, for the fact I felt guilty about Kikyo, however I didn't want to loose you either. It didn't matter in the end because I still destroyed everything, but at least I was able to sort out my feelings. Now I'm sure; I can smell it, feel it in my blood and bones; we are meant for this.

'_You are my shining star,_

_You are my manger._

_You are a pirate's man,_

_A buried treasure.'_

You are everything to me; for only the desire to be by your side keeps my heart beating. And even though I've run out of breath, I won't let go.

'_If this is all correct,_

_The last thing I'd expect.'_

I never thought I'd fall in love with you that first night we met. I was unnerved by your spunk; I'll give you that, yet I disliked you strongly then because of your resemblance with Kikyo. But that was in the past; this is now, the future. I know, I've lived history, and you are the only thing that drove me to do so. I can't _wait_ any longer!

'The prosecution rests, 

_It's time that I confess…'_

"Kagome?" I ask you with you still in my arms.

"Yes, what is it?" you respond, your fist tightly clenching the Shikon Jewel.

"I love you. I've loved you since we started searching for the Shikon No Tama." I feel you stiffen against my shoulder, and doubt quickly fills my every thought. I don't think I could bear it if you left me again.

"I love you too," you reply, relaxing against me, but then pulling away. You open your hand and hold the jewel out to me, a pained expression on your face.

"Make a wish," you say, your eyes tearing as I take the small sphere and pop it in my mouth. As I swallow, your tears start to fall and I quickly pull you into another kiss. Our hearts pound together rapidly, hiding the truth.

When you pull away, and I smile back at you, you throw yourself into my arms again and burry your face in my jet-black hair.

'I must have loved you…' 


End file.
